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Him and Her. Interactive Monologue. About the exciting adventure of living together.

Traduction de Elle et Lui.

ISBN 978-2-37705-039-0

Novembre 2016

66 pages ; 18 x 12 cm ; broché. Prix TTC : 9,90 €

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BUY THE BOOK

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Read an extract

 

1 - Wedding night

Him and Her fall down on a couch, obviously exhausted.

Her - I thought they would never leave...

Him - They say that seven out of ten couples don't have sex during their wedding night. Now I understand why...

Her - We could try to improve the average...

Him - You forget that we take off at 6.45 AM... From Luton...

Her - From Luton ?

Him - I told you ! I got the tickets on ebay...

Him - Why do the low cost companies have to take off from the most depressing town in England...? On the other hand, it's true that when you leave from Luton, it makes anywhere look like a dream destination. Even Bratislava...

Him - They say that Bratislava is very beautiful... In spring...

Her - Don't you mean Prague...?

Him - Similar region ?

Her - The Seychelles are beautiful all year round.. And don't forget that spring starts only in two months...

Him - Oh, The Seychelles... Everybody goes there...

Her - It's true that a honeymoon to Bratislava is a lot more original... We won't meet lots of honeymooners on the plane... The only couple who mixed up Bratislava with Brasilia resold their tickets on ebay...

Him - We will treat ourselves with the Seychelles in a few years... For our wedding anniversary...

Her - Yeah. Our silver anniversary... When I won't be able to get into my swimsuit... (Sigh) Life is unfair. We should inherit at 20, start working at 50 when we've finished our retirement, and procreate at 70, to have some company in our old age... And marriage would be at the end, a final vow...

Him - On the other hand, a lifetime without a mother in law... Is it really worth it...?

Her - Do you think I will still love you in 20 years ?

Him - Will you still have the choice...? When you can't find a swimsuit that fits...

Her - I know a girl who said "no" on her wedding day, for a joke. She wanted to say "yes" immediately after but the mayor did not like the joke at all. She had to wait six months to get married for real...Turns out there's a legal delay. Like for a driving licence. When you screw up, you can't take it again right away. Did you know that ?

Him - No...

Her - This wedding was as boring as hell, wasn't it ?

Him - People don't marry just for the fun...

Her - Don't tell me that they do it to go to Bratislava from Luton in the middle of the night. Or I'll start asking myself why I said yes... What country is Bratislava in ?

Him - Well... Prague was the capital of Czechoslovakia...

Her - Then you don't even know which country you're taking me to for our honeymoon ! My mother was right : I really don't know were I am going with you...

Him - Wait... Prague is now capital of Czechia... Bratislava should be capital of Slovakia. Or Slovenia... Anyway, it's in Europe ! We don't even need a passport...

Her - And you, will you still love me in 20 years...?

Him - How could I not love my whole life long a girl who is ready to follow me to an unknown country of the EEC...?

Her - If it's a test then...

They kiss each other.

Him - I don't want to hurry you, but our plane takes off in two hours. And it's quite a long way to Luton...

 

2 - Cherry time

A couple, sitting on a couch.

Her - Did you see ? The cherry tree is in flower.

Him - Another year has past...

Silence.

Her - We're happy, aren't we...?

Him - Yes... (After a moment) We're bored stiff, aren't we ?

Her - Together ?

Him - Generally.

She thinks about it.

Her - We could buy another couch...

Him - What would we do with the old one ?

Her - Take a vacation...

Him - To go where ?

Her - Organise a party...

Him - To celebrate what ?

Her - The flowering of our cherry tree !

Him - They say that Japanese people do that, in spring. Invite friends round to contemplate their cherry tree, sipping tea...

Her - We should better hurry up. Some petals are already falling...

Him - So is some of my hair...

Her - Your hair ?

Him - It starts by one, and then you go bald before you know it... (After a moment) And who would we invite ?

Her - Friends !

Him - Friends...? We've got friends...?

Her - Probably...

Him - Anyway, people are always busy...

Her - You just need to give them notice.

Him - You invite them for a drink, they get out their diary... Instead of having a drink, you discuss about a possible date. Then they call you back to cancel and fix a new date... When I go for a drink, it's right on the spot. In three weeks, I might not be thirsty anymore. There is no more improvisation !

Her - Maybe because people are afraid of being bored...

Him - You'll see ! They will be busy. They will discuss a possible date. Meanwhile, the cherry tree's petals will have fallen down...

Her - A carpet of petals is pretty too...

Him - Today it is sunny. But what the weather will be like in a month ? In addition to matching agendas, you have to consult the weather report. Inviting friends becomes even more complicated than foreseeing an eclipse. No... Instead of taking a chance on having fun with all this people in a month, I'd rather the guarantee of being bored with you right now.

Her - That's so sweet…

Him - A few days ago, my best friend leaves me a message. I had not heard of him for months. I call him back right away to invite him for a drink. He tells me that he is busy, that he will call me to fix a date. I am still waiting. I never knew why he called me in the first place...

Her - Maybe he felt a little down...

Him - I don't know if he did not feel so lonely after he called... In six months, he will probably call me again, and it will be the same. Is that what we call friends, now ? The same with the web ? They tell you that it is «friendly». You don't even say hello to the guy next door, but with your computer, you will be able to chat with the Chinese in Esperanto. Do you know many Chinese people ?

Her - When I was a child, I used to communicate with my little neighbour by night, in Morse, with electric lamps. Even then it didn't work very well...

Him - People are overbooked all the time. What can they possibly have so interesting to do, not to have a single moment to drink a coffee with their best friend without notice. I try to stay available. But nobody else ever is. So I get bored... You never get bored ?

Her - With you, never...

Silence.

Him - What about having this drink anyway ?

Her - The two of us ?

Him - Would you be available ?

Her - When ?

Him - Right now.

Her - Why not ?

Him - I'll get the glasses.

Her - I'll take care of the peanuts.

Somebody rings the bell.

Him - Are we expecting somebody ?

Her - No. Who can that be ? It's almost dinner time.

Him - People are so bad-mannered. They won't leave you alone, even at the week-end.

Her - I'll go to see who it is...

Him - I'm not here for anyone.

She turns to him.

Her - And what if it's a friend ?

He thinks about it.

Him - Tell him that our Japanese cherry tree is still in flower, and that he should come back when it has cherries...

3 - TV breakdown

A couple sitting on a couch, staring into space.

Her - Anything interesting on TV tonight ?

Him - I don't know. Why ?

Her - Just like that... (After a while) You really don't want us to buy another one ?

Him - When we had a TV, we couldn't help watching it !

Her - That's why a TV is made for, isn't it ?

Him - We were totally moronic with the TV ! We didn't do anything else !

They keep staring into space. Not doing anything.

Her (ironical) - What shall we do now ?

Him - What do you want us to do ?

Her - Nothing...

Him - It's still better than watching TV... When there was only one channel, at least... But now, with the satellite...

Her (nostalgic) - When I was a child, we had no TV. I used to go watch it to at my neighbour's...

Him (ironical) - You want me to ask the neighbour if you can go watch TV with him ?

Silence.

Her - We could talk.

He looks at her, upset.

Her - Since we no longer have TV, we could use the time to talk.

Him - Well... You first.

She tries to think about something.

Her - Do you love me ?

Him (shocked) - Could we do this... progressively.

He thinks about it.

Him - What do we have for dinner, tonight ?

Her - Wednesday, fish.

Him - Fish ? It should be Friday...

Her - Friday is chicken.

Him - A bit fishy, isn't it...?

Silence.

Him - What kind of fish do you want ?

Her - I'll go. I need to get custard, too... What about cod, for a change...?

Him - It's a bit salty, isn't it ?

Her - Not à la Française.

Him - That doesn't involve custard does it ?

Silence.

Him - If ever you cheated on me, would you tell me  ?

She looks at him, surprised.

Her - You mean : if you cheated on me, would I want you to tell me or not ?

Him - Also, yes...

Her - Why do you ask ?

Him - Just making conversation... Since we don't have TV anymore.

She thinks about it.

Her - How do you want me to answer this ?

Him - Yes or no !

Her - Do you really think it's that simple ?

Him - No ?

Her - Answering is already accepting the possibility that you could cheat on me.

Him - So ?

Her - It's like if you asked me : if I murdered you, would you prefer me to go surrender to the police right after, or try to escape from justice ?

He doesn't seem to understand.

Her - It supposes that I actually consider the possibility that you could murder me. That is the real question. The rest is irrelevant.

Him - But still, adultery isn't a crime.

Her - It sometimes leads to crime...

He seems a little worried.

Him - If I cheated on you, you could kill me ?

Her - Anyway, if I did, I would most certainly surrender to the police. Justice has always been very lenient towards crimes of passion...

Silence.

Her - So, you actually consider the possibility of cheating on me.

Him - Ninety-five per cent of animals are polygamists. The rest form couples only for as long as it takes to raise their offspring. Proof that fidelity is not a natural thing...

Her - We are not animals. At least, women are not...

Him - There are still five per cent of monogamists among the animals ! It doesn't make humans out of them. Why would fidelity be a criterion of humanity ?

Her - It is the foundation of the family, which is the foundation of society...

Him - So you won't cheat on me solely to remain a good citizen ?

Silence.

Her - Is it that difficult for you to stay faithful to me ?

Him - No... I was just wondering if fidelity had the same meaning for men and women.

Her - So ? Why are men faithful, in your opinion ? When they are, of course...

He thinks about it.

Him - To avoid complications...?

Silence.

Him - Perhaps we should buy another TV.

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